The Fear of Results

Ever since I discovered the Ellis Sigil and upped my magickal practice, I’ve had an unprecedented surge of energy that scare me at times. As I fire more sigils, find new and more interesting ways to cast spells, the more and more confident I become in my abilities. Right now, I’ve got a pair of sigils I plan on firing together. I hesitate to do it not because I’m scared of it failing, but because that I’m sure that they‘ll work.
Somewhere in the very depths of my heart, I knew beyond doubt that it’ll work, the turn of events that’ll happen because of it, the mere thought of it, just scare me sh*tless.
The phrase “Be careful what you wish for” has been the fodder of dozens of movies and stories throughout history, serving as cautionary tales against shortsightedness. Its more than appropriate when magick is concerned. It makes the caster reevaluate his motives and his means, and to contemplate the long-term effects of their actions.

It’s the the feeling of immense potential and power at the very tip f my fingertips that brought me to that realization. I know that I’m sounding like such a sorcerous noob right now, but eff, it’s like the feeling of riding in a fast accelerating sport car, with a defect in the brake shoe. The first few seconds is pure bliss as you go from 0 to 80 kph. But come the realization that you’ve gone from 80 to 120 kph and beyond in a matter of seconds, and with no sign f stopping, the terror is beyond words.

I know that there will come a time that I’ll be going back to this post and laugh at myself, because by then, I would’ve done things unimaginable to me right now, the same way I’ve done things unimaginable to me five years ago. But I will never forget the feeling of feeling the world at the palm of my hands.

My own world, and it was up to me to protect or destroy.

Binding or Cursing? (or why the heck would you detonate your soul to get back at a jerk?!)

There was this one person in my life that I regret as having ever met, and worst about it is, -I had to be under the same roof as them for at least five years.
Without going into the details, it was just simply intolerable. The constant feel of being unwelcome in your own home, the antagonistic eyes watching, waiting for you to make a single mistake. And when that happens, they’ll never let up the topic until they’ve made sure your day would be pretty effed up at the end of the day. Self-Help authors, Life Coaches and Enlightened Gurus would all tell me that this is my opportunity to rise up above the crap that’s being thrown at me at a daily basis. And that was my mind set for the first several months. But all is subject to change, and that’s where I got a taste of the Dark Side.

I didn’t even need Darth Sidious to nudge me on.

It all began when she started picking on my younger brother and my mom. At home, my brother (I’m the eldest in four brother, by the way, and I’m referring to the one born right after me) was usually the one assigned to do the dishes. When the self-righteous *itch came home that night and happened upon him washing the dishes in a way that she thought that she didn’t like, she just went ballistic and started a long derisive litany on how he was dirtying the dishes, making her eat dirt and all that other bullcrap. I saw that happening, and saw my brother already shaken, my mom saw that too. All the months and years of pent-up resentment rose in her (my mom) and she exchanged a few harsh words with her.

I simply couldn’t hold it in anymore, and since getting into actual fisticuffs wasn’t really my thing, I did the thing I knew best… -I pulled out my malice and turned it into a curse.

I took some twist-tie wires and formed the shape of a person, got some black yarn and wrote the most goddamed-seethingly malicious sigil I’ve ever written. Calling up the self-discovered/created entity I called The Shadow Prince (overly cheesy and cliche’, I know) and asked him to power my working. I proceeded in chanting the mantra I’ve formulated, and twisting the black yarn around the wire poppet, while I bathed in the sensation of my anger and hatred. Then, at the peak of Gnosis, I picked up a sharpened and runed popsicle stick and stabbed it right into poppet, visualizing the Prince’s silver arrows piercing through that Person’s chest, making them rot inside.

At the end of it, I covered the poppet and the runed popsicle stick in a bit of cloth and threw it into a ditch somewhere.

Three days later, that person who hurt my brother and mother, suddenly came in complaining painful headaches, neck pains. It gradually progressed to her vomiting until there was nothing left to vomit, and her losing consciousness. She was brought to the hospital later that evening.

I was satisfied, but I was also afraid inside. I was afraid of what I could do and what its price would be.

The answer to that question came in three weeks after, where hideous pus-filled boils started growing on my hands and feet. It was painful, and I can’t even hold onto anything without my nerves screaming at me. Walking was pure torture, with the same boils also growing on the soles of my feet.
It only started fading away when I was able to keep my own hatred in check, and after attending a few religious meetings (you know, the type of young missionaries that insist on bringing you to their fold).

Ever since then, I had a much clearer understanding of how my actions today will affect my future, do something terrible, and usually eventually, something terrible will happen to you as well. Which brings me to answer the question at the title o’ this post: There’s no reason why one who could already cause things to happen to spend their time and effort trying to harm someone, the feedback isn’t worth it, there’s more things worth your while. If someone is already actually being harmful to one and one’s family, simply bind them, tie them up in their own karmic yarn so they won’t be able to cause anyone more harm.

Neutralize doesn’t mean Kill.